Blubbering for Country

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Jacqui Lambie

5th December
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More great news, this time from the Senate.
Yesterday, while voting to choose national security over the rights of a few hundred foreign criminals pretending to be sick, Jacqui Lambie was able to publicly blubber so convincingly, that she out-blubbered even Sarah Hanson-Young. That she did so for such a great cause, with the additional benefit of leaving Richard Death-Natale absolutely spitting, earns her the admiration and respect of a grateful nation.

Repealing the Medivac Bill must now turn the spotlight on the most complicit in this monstrous attempt at political fraud. Step forward notorious quack and renowned lesbian, Dr Kerryn Phelps. This seriously misguided imbecile, who was subsequently kicked out of office as a result of her gross stupidity, is probably now alone somewhere, quietly blubbering to herself, wondering where it all went wrong.

As I usually do under such circumstances, I’ve sent the good ‘doctor’ the usual bunch of roses, the usual commiserations and the usual Philip Nitschke calling card out of sympathy for her plight. It’s all I can do.

Posted in Jacqui Lambie, Kerryn Phelps, Philip Nitschke, Richard di Natale, Sarah Hanson-Young | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Tidings of Great Joy

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Izzy Folau

4th December
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CHURCH BELLS HAVE BEEN RINGING throughout the land all morning as people wake up to greet the tidings of great joy. Rubbing their eyes in disbelief, they discover that Rugby Australia has finally agreed with Israel Folau: that total tosser Peter Fitzsimons is indeed going to hell, and the rest of his degenerate mates on the Left are also going with him. (That RA’s decision means 99% of the rest of Australia will also be going, is beside the point.)

Posted in Israel Folau, Jacqui Lambie, Peter Fitzsimons | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Hurrah-For-Huawei!

Image result for Nick XenophonNick “Hurrah-For-Huawei!” Xenophon

3rd December
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JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT SAFE to return to Australia again, Nick Xenophon appears on national TV announcing he will be spear-heading the Chinese take-over of Australia. The sight of that grinning, despicable mug fills up all the screens at Mascot, like Big Brother, causing people in the arrival lounges to run about, shrieking hysterically and spontaneously throwing-up everywhere. The imminent threat of Australia suddenly becoming cheap fodder for Beijing’s organ-harvesting program because of this shameless swindler is too much to bear.

Perhaps I should consider making my escape now? Return to the departure lounge and book a flight to some God-forsaken shit-hole where they’ve never heard of this narcissistic, self-serving prick or his communist front-group Huawei? Or back to Manila, where President Duterte has kindly invited me to oversee his daily execution of Westpac paedophiles? Maybe it’s better to just hang around, hoping to witness one of Xenephon’s self-aggrandizing political scams fail yet again.

But this one is quite different, quite unlike other Beijing ‘Get-rich-quick-while-you-sell-out-your-country’ schemes, bought into by other collaborators, such as Keating, Carr, Rudd and Dastyari. For, staffed by ex-PLA members and riddled with communist cells, Huawei aims for total control. And Xenophon is intending to get filthy rich with China’s money by arguing, as a lawyer, Beijing’s case: that it is “unfair” that Huawei’s 5G network should be prevented from operation in Australia just because it wants to surreptitiously transform us into a bunch of Sino-compliant zombies.

Why this is not treason and why we shouldn’t take a leaf out of President Duterte’s book and introduce extra-judicial killing to deal with it, or look to Shakespeare’s Henry VI for advice (The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”) is probably best answered by the fact that I’d go to gaol if I advocated either, so I won’t.

Meantime, it’s probably best if we take the Chinese Ambassador’s advice and start learning Mandarin, just in case.

Posted in Big Brother Beijing, Huawei, Nick Xenophon, Paul Keating | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

University Days

Image result for KEVIN RUDDKevin Rudd

29th November
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BACK AT THE HUNTING LODGE, President Rodrigo Duterte tells me more about Kevin Rudd, whom he knew during his younger student days, studying Chinese together at Hong Kong University. In the first few months, our future PM (according to Duterte) often confused his basic Mandarin with his basic Cantonese, which are two entirely different languages.

Late one night, Duterte relates, after binge drinking in the seedy bars and strip-joints around Wan Chai most of the day, Rudd was finally introduced to his Cantonese homestay ‘family’ for the first time. Bowing low and smiling broadly, he said in fluent Mandarin, “I am very pleased to meet you. And is this your lovely daughter?” which in Cantonese – as everyone who’s ever been to Wan Chai knows – means, “Me love you long time,” and, “You do jiggy-jig?” Rudd then shouted “Sayonara!” (another major ching-chong*) to no one in particular in front of the startled family, before abruptly crashing on the nearest sofa.

Duterte assures me that this was all true, but I have my doubts. And I have doubts about the veracity of this entire story, for that matter.

* Cantonese for ‘faux-pas’

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On Safari

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Philippine Warty Pig

27th November
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ON SAFARI WITH PRESIDENT DUTERTE in western Luzon. The rare sighting of a Warty Pig turns the conversation, naturally, to Kevin Rudd. Duterte’s regard for self-serving politicians has always been philosophical: a kind of Buddha-like acceptance of divergent opinions and the necessity for them to be only expressed in gaol while awaiting sentencing on trumped-up charges. “In the case of a few of them, however,” he says, as he carefully lines up the pig in his M15 sights before blasting the hell out of it, “you need a different solution. Especially for Beijing suck-holes.” He later apologises for killing the pig, but insisting that it was better than leaving it for the poachers. He also said that it was a metaphor to rub out people like Rudd, but I couldn’t quite get that one either.

 

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Duterte to Westpac: Try Brunei

Image result for duterte President Rodrigo Duterte

26th November
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In Manila to find out first-hand whether claims that Westpac used 23 million fake transactions and money-laundering to protect Aussie paedophile rings are true. (Or something like that.)

Everywhere you look, the sacking of Drug Tsar, Leni Robredo, is headline news. The number of extra-judicial killings of drug traffickers on her watch has plummeted dramatically to just 10,000 per month, far short of Duterte’s bottom-line of 50,000. So out she goes. Imelda Marcos, herself now dead, could have easily doubled that figure.

Inside Malacañang Palace, the internationally-acclaimed President Duterte proudly shows me a copy of his brilliant denunciation of Obama as “that Pansy of Colour.” We all have a good laugh about that one because it was rather witty. After that, he has me in stitches reminiscing about his Moro* head-hunting days in southern Mindanao before ISIS came along and ruined everything. In his trophy room, we have fun playing carpet bowls with a a few of his favourites for a while, until it was time to turn to the serious subject of paedophilia.

The President, a strong Catholic, declares he can no longer turn a blind eye to the matter and Westpac will just have to advise their Aussie paedo customers to look elsewhere. Brunei, he suddenly exclaims, Try Brunei! Then, leaning over with a mischievous smile, whispers: the Sultan didn’t declare Sharia Law there for nothing.

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* Separatists. (Yes, Muslim)

Posted in Brunei, Drug Trafficking, Moros, Obama, Paedophiles, President Duterte, The Philippines, Westpac | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shag-Not-Alot

Image result for sarah hanson-youngSarah Hanson-Young (blubbering again)

25th November
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TREMENDOUS NEWS TODAY for Sarah Hanson-Young. The courts have ruled that she’s not a shameless slut after all, or just a cheap tart, and that David Leyonhjelm owes her $120,000 in damages. Also good news for me. The decision fully vindicates my cautionary use of the term ‘Shagalot’ when referring to SHY in my blogs (all of them), just in case the courts declared Leyonhjelm’s insinuation unjustified.

Interestingly, in his recent diary Bob Brown relates how under this new extinction-rebellion regime, once Greens members are officially notified that they are all soon going to die, they immediately start wailing and screeching hysterically before falling upon each other and shagging themselves senseless. Worryingly, this has now become common practice once their meetings are declared open, “because it feels so good” says Bob.

According to Bob, The Greens’ core leadership, including SHY, try to refrain from such behaviour.  Most of them having taken a vow of celibacy and quiet devotion to the Earth Mother, Gaia, in the devout hope that she spares them from being ruthlessly exterminated along with the rest of us in the great, fiery holocaust that’s soon to come.

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Donate Here

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/42/Zali_Steggall_official_campaign_image.jpgZali Steggall
Fossil Fuel-Guzzling Hypocrite?

22nd November
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A TERRIBLE NIGHT lying awake thinking about the desperate plight of poor Zali Steggall. She still can’t afford to buy an electric vehicle on her meagre $500,000 a month parliamentary salary and worries about the consequences of reneging on her promise to the Climate-Change Mobsters. In an exclusive TV interview, she expresses teary-eyed remorse for lying to her constituents in order to kick Tony Abbott out, and fears that she’ll soon be gunned down in the streets by some deranged, extinction-rebellion maniac if she hasn’t dumped her SUV and be at the seat of a brand-new EV by Christmas.

In the spirit of forgiveness, I decide to lend my support. Outside her Warringah offices I set up a charity stall with a large box and the banner: “Help Zali Prove By Christmas That She’s Not A Lying, Fossil Fuel-Guzzling Hypocrite: Donate Here.”

After one week, the results are better than I could hope for. Aside from one used condom and an empty packet of Rice Crispies, there are only lumps of coal: heaps of coal. The tradition that naughty children only get coal in their Christmas stockings is probably not new to Steggall, so the irony should be obvious.
Meantime, Christmas draws near…

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Pre-Emptive Strike?

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Al-Hawl, N.E Syria

18th November
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BACK IN SYDNEY, greatly disappointed to hear that Israel has suspended it’s bombing in Gaza. Surely the body count is far too low?

Before I can get my letter of complaint off to the Israeli Ambassador, they start bombing the hell out of Gaza again, lifting my spirits and putting a spring in my step. Switching their bombing to include Iranian military targets in Syria as well, and the week brightens up again.

Then comes Trump’s brilliant decision to legitimise Jewish West Bank settlements. I’m over the moon. Even though there was no bombing involved, it’s cause for celebration: champagne-breakfast on the terrace. But Mahmoud Abbas denounces Trump’s decision as a ‘war-crime’, sending me into an uncontrollable fit of the giggles and the toast is ruined.

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20th November
Glancing through news at breakfast I see that ISIS has formed a mini-caliphate within the Al-Hawl ‘refugee’ camp: seventy-odd thousand of the fuckers, still determined to kill us all. And that neo-Ottoman prick (Erdogan) is starting to send some of them back to where they came from …

And I ask myself (between mouthfuls of Eggs Benedict and burnt toast), why doesn’t Trump take a leaf out of the Israeli book and execute a pre-emptive strike on Al-Hawl before ISIS is unleashed on the world again? A precision strike by the Americans, using napalm, 500-pound bunker busters, barrel-bombs, a bunch of hellfire missiles and stacks of cluster-bombs. That should do it.

No need to worry about a Muslim backlash, of course, as Waleed Aly and his wife, Susan, have repeatedly assured us that “ISIS has nothing to do with Islam.” So 1.8 billion Muslims should be totally cool with the idea – wouldn’t you think?*

The only ones likely to object to removing 70,000 psychopaths and their families from the face of the earth in one fell-swoop would be their equally-psychotic supporters on the Left, such as the emotionally wrought and professional dumb person, Senator Nick McKim, who is a big girl’s blouse as well, by the way.

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* No.

 

Posted in Al-Hawl, Bomb the fuckers, Donald Trump, Eggs Benedict, Gaza, Iran, ISIS, Islamophobia, Israel, Mahmoud Abbas, Nick McKim, Palestinians, Recep Erdogan, Susan Carland, Syria, Waleed Aly | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Randy-Andy

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20th November
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OF COURSE it’s no secret that Prince Andrew has followed in the footsteps of his now demented father, bonking everything with a skirt in sight just as soon as he could walk. So it comes as a bit of a surprise to see him declare that bonking the delicious, but under-aged Aussie tart, Virginia Roberts Giuffre, would have been somehow “unbecoming” and that he’d decided he’d be much better off spending the entire night somwhere else stuffing his face with pizza.

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On the royal tour of The Royal Christchurch Institute of Horticulture with NZ’s hideous PM. Andrew’s gormless brother, Prince Charles, deftly parries reporters’ questioning about the Epstein matter. When I delicately attempt a more subtle approach (”Your Highness, whaddya think about that lyin’, connivin’, Randy-Andy-paedo brother of yours, hey???”), the Prince politely ignores me, turning to strike up a conversation with a nearby plant instead. Which is his wont.

That the plant happens to be a vegetable and that his royal fruit-cake (yes: our future King) pointedly addresses it as ‘Jacinta’, is a cause of much discomfort. When he asks it, “Are you a Muzzie, too?” all hell breaks loose.

Camilla quickly intervenes and bundles the dotty Prince out of the room, leaving the PM hugging tightly to her personal, portable prayer-mat, looking all flustered and embarrassed. Meantime, Winston Peters, personal advisor on all NZ matters horticultural to the Prince, looks on, openly amused, a mischievous smile stretching from ear to ear.

 

 

Posted in Jacinda Ardern, Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, Prince Charles, Winston Peters | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment