The Lion’s unconvincing defeat of Australia and Murray’s flash-in-the-pan Wimbledon win have done little to boost the UK’s flagging economy and there is a very real danger of a triple-dip recession. After the gloom of debutante Ashton Agar’s 98 run last-wicket stand at Trent Bridge overnight, national depression sets in and instances of mass-suicide are widely reported.  Foreign Affairs Minister, ‘Captain Bob’ Carr rings up the UK Ambassador voicing his concern and the need for the British people to remember their World War II ‘Bulldog-spirit’ and remain calm. The Ambassador is grateful. Once again Australia and UK must come together in adversity.

Wishing to help boost the Old Country’s spirits further, the ever-thoughtful Susan comes up with a brilliant new export initiative specifically designed to beat the UK Custom Services’ strict new import-ban list. Telephoning Bob, she notes that the traditional English delicacies of ‘Genuine Pork-Scratchings,’ ‘Piglet Pie Surprise’ and ‘Jellied Dog Entrails‘ have all been strictly outlawed. “So now that it has been certified fully Sharia-compliant,” she says, “why not include Vegemite in our monthly food parcels to the UK? That’ll help ease their depression while simultaneously winning us kudos from the multicultural lobby.”
“Fantastic idea!” says Captain Bob, sets the wheels in motion and promises to send Susan flowers.