It’s rare that I’d ever recommend anyone following the regular American habit of exposing their genitals to draw attention to themselves but, with Clive Palmer, it might just work. In secret talks with the billionaire mining magnate, I explore the possibility of an alliance between his party and a future Government led by Cory Bernardi. Unfortunately Clive’s party has so-far gained little traction with the voting public. His dinosaur-themed golf course on the Sunshine Coast and his visionary Titanic II replica project have failed to excite the imagination of the Australian public, one which has for far too long been fixated on Kevin Rudd’s enormous ego.

I advise Clive that copying Anthony Weiner’s unique US electioneering technique is indeed the way to go. Clive being Clive, I say, it is a sure-fire way to surpass the size of Rudd’s huge ego in the popularity stakes and see his own electoral chances soar. Take the Green vote, for instance. What, with them nowadays consisting entirely of women and homosexuals, mass defections to Clive’s party on an unprecedented scale are certain to follow. Once that happens, I tell him, his future is assured.