The Green and Gay moral commisars polled badly, but not badly enough. Having completely destroyed the Tasmanian economy and relentlessly pushed their immoral marriage manifesto as if that was all that mattered, most of the electorate ditched them and voted out of spite for the Greens’ worst nightmare instead: Tony Abbott. Regretfully, too few of them in the end. Far too much of the Opposition Leader’s rampant testosterone being on show throughout the campaign contributed to hetero-women not voting for him, obviously preferring the more subtle sensuality of Clive Palmer. More research needs to be done.

In Melbourne, that irritating little Bandt twerp was the only high-ranking Green commissar to have bucked the trend. Having voted for the Greens by a landslide, one now expects the Melbourne electorate to do the only decent thing and immediately secede from the Commonwealth. For this purpose I suggest that calling themselves ‘The People’s Green and Gay Republic of Melbourne’ would suffice. Then the Australian parliament should legislate to make the new republic a mandatory place of exile (to ease the pressure on Manus Island) for all those who voice similar unbalanced political persuasions, including those who advocate Sharia Law.

If Melbourne refuses to secede, then the population should be forced – on pain of death – to up-house and move en-masse to the Godless wastelands of New Zealand. There they will find plenty of trees to hug and admire, an abundance of whales to sing along with at night and lots of refugees to think about while they gently cry themselves to sleep. And there, since August 19th, they will also be able to marry whomever they choose: completely free to bugger each other mercilessly without fear of prosecution for the rest of their days.