Millions of Muslims took to the streets around the world today to express their outrage at the International Olympic Committee members’ decision – by a record vote margin of 500 to 1 – to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo instead of in Istanbul.

The Turkish leader Tayyip Erdoğan condemned the IOC’s decision as yet another slap in the face to the religion of peace. Citing centuries of tolerance and peaceful coexistence between ‘the people of the book’ since the Ottomans conquered Istanbul (then called Constantinople) in 1453 and decapitated most of their captives,  “What could innocent Muslims have possibly done wrong since then to deserve this rebuttal?”  Erdoğan asked. “The 1453 slaughter -which we celebrate every year with great enthusiasm by holding enormous parades throughout Turkey – happened over 500 years ago and means nothing to us anymore,” he claimed. “This is yet another criminal act of aggression against the religion of peace by a Western-backed, Zionist proxy stooge.” Erdoğan stated, referring to the Olympic committee.

Answering reporters’ questions about claims from a local Islamic scholar that the Prophet repeatedly stated throughout his lifetime that non-Muslim athletes should be first buggered and then beheaded if they won any races, Erdoğan was furious: “That’s complete bullshit.” Rifling through his copy of the Koran, he yelled into the cameras: “Those verses (all 2,870 of them) have been taken completely out of context.”  

In a statement to the press, a spokesman for the IOC board reasoned that the members’ decision was based on everyday common sense. The spokesman explained that millions of Olympic athletes and visitors from around the world would much prefer to suffer a slow and painful death through radiation poisoning from the Fukushima nuclear reactor rather than set one foot in a Muslim country, and that the unanimous decision to vote for Tokyo instead was therefore to be expected.