Despite requests to help diffuse the situation I intend to keep right out of the Ukrainian mess. On one side you have a motley collection of Ukrainian fascists, bandits and thieves wanting to join the EU, and on the other side a bunch of sweet, uncorrupted, completely innocent Russians desperate to return to the soft bosom of their glorious Russian motherland, and I really can’t make up my mind who to support.
That German chick Angela what’s-her-name suggests I go down to the Crimea and stick a flower in the barrel of a Russian soldier’s gun-barrel somewhere, or just simply lay down in front of a tank while clutching a copy of Thomas Payne’s ‘The Rights of Man’ (whatever that is) to my chest. On the other hand, Mad Vlad Zhirinovsky thinks my finely-honed skills acquired from years of dealing with the failed-Emperor in Waiting, Kevin Rudd, might come in useful. How about, Vlad asks, I go and help the Ukrainians feel ‘more at ease with the return of their Russian masters’ by teaching them how to prostrate themselves with more enthusiasm before the Russians walk over them?
Not wishing to appear rude, I’ve declined both requests.
On the home front, Abbott emails me to suggest the new government in Kiev could stop the tanks by simply towing them back to their borders where they came from, while showering the Russians with billions of dollars in bribes to keep them quiet. I email him back, politely, saying that, though it is has merit, this is a completely idiotic suggestion because it’s unlikely whatsover to upset the The Greens in any shape or form.
And Bill Shorten complains that Yanukovich was the democratically elected President of the Ukraine and shouldn’t have been thrown out of office in the first place. And he should not now be treated like a common trades union official and indicted for murder, grand theft, fleecing his members, embezzlement and corruption by any sham and phony Abbott-appointed Royal Commission. It’s strictly a matter, for the EU, he says, who are powerless to do much at all.
At the risk of ending a sentence in a preposition, I repeat: this is a mess I intend to stay right out of.