Now that Egypt’s General Sisi has let the cat out of the bag, where do Muslims go to from here? Speaking in Cairo earlier this year, Sisi gently broke the shocking news to an audience of devastated Muslim scholars and Imams. He told them that, in order for 1.2 billion Muslims to live more comfortably in the world, it just might not be possible for them to slaughter the other 6 billion non-Muslims on the planet after all.

Noting the stunned silence in the room and the look of dismay on most of his audience’s faces, Sisi quickly advanced an alternative solution to dealing with this heart-breaking news. And that was for Islam to change: to bring about an enlightened revolution from within Islam, for which, he loudly proclaimed, the world awaits.

But the idea of an Islamic revolution of that kind, likely to be as prolonged and as bloody as the West’s Reformation, leaves unanswered many questions. One of them comes immediately to mind. What, I ask, are Australian Muslims, for example, supposed to live on during an upheaval of that magnitude? Over decades, if not hundreds of years?

Because Muslim charity organisations like the Australian Human Rights Council and the Australian Refugee Tribunal would immediately cut off all funding to Muslims once their ground rules were violated. Continuing to shower Muslims with welfare hand-outs just so they could sit around at home all day plotting to slit each other’s throats in pursuit of some sort of vague, Enlightenment thing? When they would normally be sitting around all day plotting to kill Aussies and subvert Australia from within – something they apparently agreed to and signed off on with The Greens when they first arrived in Australia?
What’s more, there’s just no way the Australian multicultural industry would agree to a funding policy which didn’t result in an immediate, major disadvantage of some kind to the white population as an eventual outcome. So it would be out of the question.

So, if 1.2 billion Muslims can’t bear the misery and humiliation of living in an infidel-dominated world any longer, and an Islamic Enlightenment revolution is out of the question, what is the solution?

I believe, it can only be one thing.
If they can’t kill all the world’s 6 billion infidels to make things easier for themselves, the only decent thing left for Muslims to do is to step up to the plate and kill themselves instead.

But not all 1.2 billion Muslims, I hasten to say.
The overwhelming majority – we are told (insert smiley face here) – are peace-loving Muslims who love democracy and The West (MacDonalds, Halal scams, Hooters-bars, welfare, etc). It’s only that tiny, teeny-weeny, incy-wincy, itsy-witsy, less than one percent of the total population that I speak of. Only that very small minority who – respected Australian Islamic scholars* assure us – are ‘radical’ and want to destroy us. It is those whom I refer to. Plus of course the larger. but still relatively small number (insert smiley face here). of their secret sympathisers world-wide who can’t get their hands on a Kalashnikov: That is, the other 99%.

All these Muslims, added together, are the ones I’m talking about. They all should do the decent thing and just top themselves. (Now.)

And the remaining, liberal, peace-loving admirers of Western democracy who are left, such as General Sisi, should be free to live as they please.

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* Shaun Micallef and Adam Hills (both mentored by that other comedian, Waleed Aly)

(Yes, this is indeed satire)