With the dust beginning to settle at the ABC head-honcho Mark Scott is anxious to reverse the dire situation by launching a bold new public-relations initiative (“before that air-head Ray Martin turns up and begins his silly audit,” he tells me.) Scott’s extremely concerned about the security of his staff for the reason that, after the Q&A broadcast last week with Zaky Mallah, wherever they go in public now they (Tony Jones, Fran Kelly, Barry Cassidy and the rest of the ABC comrades) are being vilified and repeatedly denounced as ‘Leftist Scum.’ No matter how uncannily accurate the term may be, Scott says, “their lives are in real danger and we need to urgently revamp the tarnished ABC brand so as to present a more balanced and more moderate facade – I mean image to the public,” he says. “The ABC is clearly on Australia’s side,” Scott affirms, “as are my wonderful staff, and the last thing we want the public to realise – I mean, to think, is that we are all secretly aiding and abetting an Islamist takeover.”

We exchange a flurry of emails, clarifying a few details, settling on engagement terms and conditions, and in my capacity as  ‘Image Consultant To Top-Notch Lefties‘ finally agree on an (undisclosed) fee.

I quickly clear the air, firstly, reassuring him that that particular post on my blog last year – the one demanding summary execution of Scott, Terry Jones and the rest of Q&A panel for high treason – was maliciously posted by some Chinese hacker, or perhaps even by Kevin Rudd, but not from me. Then, after giving what’s best for the country some prolonged and serious thought,  I email him the following five-point make-over plan:

1. Publicly gang-bang Zaky Mallah on Q&A using a selection of pointy instruments.
2. After (1), immediately cease all ABC TV lefty programs (except for ‘The Adventures of Piggley Winks’ – see (4) below) and use the empty time slots to broadcast speeches from famous, comparatively moderate leftists, such as Pol-Pot, Stalin, Abu al-Zarqawi, and the highly-esteemed dickhead Russell Brand. This should redress the balance somewhat.
3. Tell your mate Gillian Triggs down at the HR Commission to award all those accused of being ‘Leftist Scum’ $500,000 in compensation for hurt feelings. The government, of course, will once again completely ignore this ridiculous woman’s pathetic injunction and once again demand her resignation. However, the commissars at the ABC will all hail it as another great moral victory against the evil Abbott monster, further reinforcing the evidence that they are indeed scum, and should therefore resign immediately.
4. Force your remaining ABC staff to sit through endless repeats of The Adventures of Piggley Winks and report to ASIO the ones who squirm the most.
5. Resign your $800,000+ a year appointment as Managing Director of the ABC, with immediate effect, citing health reasons. You will then bugger off with all speed to Syria, where you will be favorably received by the Kurds’ side after you volunteer to single-handedly launch a suicide bombing attack on ISIS’s Raqqa headquarters carrying a very large bomb.

Mark, this plan should both thoroughly convince Ray Martin – and the rest of us – that you are indeed on Australia’s side and (if you follow it through to the very end) completely remove any worldly concerns that you have about the security of your staff.
Hope this helps.
Meantime, I will await your reply.