ON MY WAY TO the ‘Just Turned Eighteen – Bikini Extravaganza’ at Sky News headquarters, I bump into Tony Windsor and ask him if he really thinks going back into politics because of Shenhua is a good idea. Rumours about the construction of this new mine are rife and we agree there’s more to it than meets the eye. According to Jacqui Lambie, this so-called Chinese coal mine masks the little buggers’ (quote, unquote) true purpose which is to construct a vast network of their awful Yum-Cha restaurants right in the heart of prime agricultural land. The poor local farmers oppose the mine strictly on environmental grounds but if they only knew about the secret ‘Great Yum-Cha Project,’ she tells me after we’d finished humping, they’d be 100 percent behind it! Why? Because at long last they and their half-starved families would be able to afford to eat out for breakfast every morning after milking their cows. And not having to rely so much on the government for handouts – this could also account for the reason Abbott gave it the go-ahead, I agreed.

As any sane person would, Tony dismisses Jacqui as cute but wacky and doubts there’s a scintilla of truth behind the story. Nevertheless, the thought of their hideous restaurants ruining the landscape of our beautiful, sunburnt country sickens us both. We both agree a gigantic coal mine blotting the landscape and fouling the artesian basins would be a much better idea.