Dr Tim Soutphommasane
Race Discriminator Commissioner

I had been asked to speak about social cohesion at the Advancing Community Cohesion 2015 and Awards Conference in Parramatta but I couldn’t think of anything kindly to say, so I declined. Instead, I donated the first prize for the highly coveted award in the ‘The Most-Multicultural, Tolerant, Diverse and Anti-racist Person (Non-white, Preferably Muslim or Indigenous)’category. The prize, a beautifully-crafted hand-made statue of Andre Bolt being disemboweled by screaming banshees, is set against a smiling gay couple being married background motif, subtly suggesting a ‘Death to Abbot and to all his ilk’ theme. As expected, the prize was won by the audiences’ run-away favourite, the jihadist Zaky Mallah. Fresh from his recent appearance on Q&A where he had his criminal conviction symbolically overturned by Tony Jones and an enthusiastic audience, Mallah was obviously humbled by the award.

Handing him the prize, Race Discrimination Commissioner  (“Uncle”) Tim Soutphommasane noted with a bit of a smile that Zaky would have had a bit more competition this year if this fascist government hadn’t threatened to gaol some of the other prize contenders if they dared come back home. “The AFP’s damning evidence, that Zaky is potentially a murderous little psychopath who supports I.S. and wants to kill Australians, will only serve to further marginalise him and other young Australians who want a caliphate immediately but can’t afford a gun,” Uncle Tim said, turning to acknowledge the audience’s standing ovation. Wiping away a tear,  benevolent Uncle Tim beamed radiantly down at them from his ivory tower as he proclaimed in munificent tones, “In this great multicultural paradise of mine, there is no room for bigotry and intolerance against those in our midst who happened to have openly declared war on us,” and declared that, in solidarity with Australia’s this most unfairly victimised community (yes, you know which one) the bacon sangas were being removed from tonight’s menu.

At the conference dinner I found myself sharing a table with Uncle Tim and the Human Rights Commissioner Gillian Triggs who was unfortunately too old and to fluffy-brained for a nomination. Chewing on a ‘Harmony and Diversity’ kofta ball, she showed me a list of gaoled Islamists, murderers, rapists and thieves who she had put forward as deserving of consideration in the ‘Most Misunderstood Migrant’ category. “I hope the $1,000,000 that I am proposing for each of them in compensation for having their feelings hurt by the High Court when it declared them all to be criminals wasn’t the reason for the Cohesion Committee’s failure to recognise them in tonight’s awards,” she told me. “If that’s the case, she said, “then they won’t ever be eligible for any Australian community-validation award and will continue to be unfairly disadvantaged, believing people inexplicably hate their guts,” and she gave me a kind of a loopy look.

While I was helping myself to some of the exquisite ‘Moral-Equivalency’ muffins and Tim was forking a pile of ‘Abbott is The Real Terrorist’ toasted turnips onto his plate, I thought of an excellent solution. Turning to them both, I asked: why doesn’t the committee create a new umbrella category of awards? This category, the ‘Progressive (Miscellaneous) Category,‘ would have sub-categories for Islamists, Murderers, Rapists, Thieves and Gay Marriage Advocates, thereby opening up the awards to more of the Left’s traditional power base. Gillian and Uncle Tim both thought it was a great idea because they just couldn’t get it.