Researching my book, ‘Muslim Grievances – And More Utter Nonesense,’ looking for more material, I drop into the Islamophobia forum organised by the Australian Muslim Women’s Centre for Human Rights in Melbourne. Waving my Lifetime Lefty-Supporter Pass under the noses of the security guards, I push my way through the whingeing throng and take a seat up front.
First up, the usual stuff is spouted: increased violence, attacks against Muslims, racism, harassment, marginalisation, Andrew Bolt, racist abuse, can’t buy guns or fertiliser anywhere without a permit, racist national security laws targeting innocent Muslims, this racist, fascist, Murdoch-toadie, lick-spittle Abbott government is the worst racist government ever, bloody Andrew Bold again, etc. Then, suddenly, at a beautifully poignant moment, a greatly respected and revered Imam is helped as he shuffles slowly up onto the stage, where he speaks briefly and quietly into the microphone, saying, “I quite understand how hot Aussie chicks want to wear bikinis, but they can’t,” before slowly shuffling off again.
After the old guy has left, Nazrin from Bangladesh stands up to relate how, at the time of the Sydney siege, a lady on a train started pushing her with her bag and started yelling at her and telling her to bugger off to where she came from, and how much it hurt and how scary it was for Nazrin compared to the hostages being held inside the café at the time by one of her psycho mates, and who cares about them?, and why does everyone hate us?, it must be racism.
Others speak of their outrage over their bosses objecting to them watching jihadist videos “during our own lunch breaks!“, police hassling Muslim women when they suddenly decide to wear a burqa to court, and neighbours banging on the walls in the middle of the night, complaining about excessive ululation each time Hamas launches a rocket.
Next, it’s Dr Yassir Morsi’s turn to speak.
Morsi denies being related to ex-President Morsi of Egypt, Muslim Brotherhood leader, now in-line for execution (but ‘quite enjoys’ singing from the same kind of song-book), and works for the ‘Non-Muslim Brotherhood Front Organisation for Muslim and non-Muslim Understanding’ at the University of South Australia, which categorically denies that it is a Muslim Brotherhood front-organisation.
He denounces and lashes out at the Islamophobes who conflate Islamic world-wide terrorism with main-stream, moderate Islamic world-wide terrorism, denouncing all Aussies as stupidly ignorant, and how could they possibly cotton-on? And: they all must be racists. Morsi then presents everyone with a copy of his pretentious, pseudo-intellectual clap-trap ‘Islamophobia is Racism’ thesis, saying he has nothing to do with the Muslim Brotherhood or with that other Morsi. And they all stand to warmly applaud him as he is presented with a symbol of Islamic peace (the Australian flag inscribed with the words “Okay: We Surrender.”) by non-Muslim Brotherhood members of the audience for his services in fighting against the tyranny of Western reason.
Mariam Veiszadeh, founder of Islamophobia Register Australia, reminds everyone to be on the look-out for patriotic Aussie T-Shirts being sold by someone like Woolworths again and that overt racism like that has to be stamped out now if Islam “ever hopes to take over this joint” in the near future. She also plugs her latest book, ‘Why I’m Not Joining Team Australia.’ Finally, a spokesperson from the Muslim Centre for Human Rights thanks everyone for reminding the audience how bad Islamophobia in Australia is and for continuing with the sham denial that they’ve brought it all on themselves by doing incredibly stupid things like refusing to be on Team Australia, and, let’s have a break, shall we..???!!!
Tea is served, and sweets along with autographed copies of Waleed Aly’s Little Book of Shariah Law for Aussie Kids are handed out to those children who haven’t yet left for Syria. Copies of Volume 35 (Beheading Christians and Jews: Showing Islam’s Great Respect For The People of The Book While Cutting Their Heads Off) from Hizb-ut-Tahrir’s ‘Guidelines on How to Convert Non-Muslims In a Real Hurry’ are offered to journalists to remind them, when dealing with minorities, just how enlightened Islamic Human Rights is in practice.
As I’m about to leave to write all this crap up, I’m button-holed by Randa Abdel-Fattah, the prize-winning author and volunteer activist for the ‘You Might As Well Start Learning to Speak Arabic Right Now, Council’, the ‘Palestine Human Rights Campaign for The Annihilation of Israel’, and the ‘Boycott Abbott’s Racist Attempts to Integrate Muslims into Australia Dummy-spit Campaign,’ who asks me: “does my backside look big in this burqa?”
Can’t wait to get more material from the next Islamophobia meet-up. As it stands, my book promises to be the largest in history.