Uncontrollable outpouring of tears from Australia’s new PM today after he pulled the knife out from Abbott’s back, wiped the blood off, and started chopping up a dozen onions in front of the cameras. “I am truly, so sorry I had to do this,” Malcolm Turncoat said through a flood of tears as he cut through the onions and took another swig of champagne, ‘but it was for the good of the country and it was just a coincidence that my career and over- inflated ego did extremely well out of it too.” Sobbing loudly, Turncoat also commiserated Julie Brutus for the ordeal of facing the cameras with a bunch of onions, but no knife. She is genuinely heart-broken at the way things turned out,” he guffawed in between sobs.
Later apologising for having had to try and fake a few tears for the media instead, Brutus explained that it was a sad fact that her knife’s cut was the deepest and she “just couldn’t pull it out.” After giving the cameras one of her famous death stares, she added that she hoped that Tony Abbott would see his way clear to return the knife at some future date, once he got over the shock of realising that she was “just as good as Bill Shorten is when it came to suddenly knifing people in the back, and so there.”
Wiping away the sole tear that she could managed to emote, she sighed, “We all must move on – or whatever it was that that other sob-story Gillard once said a few years back after she knifed Rudd in the back in order to keep Abbott out of government before being knifed herself by the same buffoon later on for the same reason: to keep Abbott out.” Brutus then explained that, “Despite all predictions to the contrary, Abbott got voted in anyway and, seeing Labor couldn’t do the job properly and keep Abbott out of government in the first place, we decided that we should take care of it and knife Abbott ourselves … Makes sense, hey?“