My New Year’s resolution of giving up strangling the odd drifter who occasionally strays into my yard nearly came unstuck yesterday when a couple of Greenie activists rapped on my front door. Dropping in to canvas for my support in the coming Brisbane local elections, I let them ramble on with their nonsense for a moment while I quietly pondered whether my resolution should still hold. On the one hand, I had an escape clause: technically they were enemy combatants, and not drifters by any stretch of the imagination. On the other hand, they seemed young and educated, but obviously still stupid, so extenuating circumstances were strongly in their favour.
In the end I gave them a reprieve. I decided not to entice them further into my house (within easy reach of my neck-tie collection) and to just let them finish their silly little spiel. I then offered them some milk and cookies and an autographed copy of my new book, ‘Why Richard Di Natale is a Commie,’ which they politely declined.
Before they left I offered them some encouraging remarks. Something like, yes, I sympathise with your concern for the environment, climate change, predatory capitalism, etc, but it’s the other stuff you go along with – your phony gay marriage scam, your gender fluidity freakiness, your Syrian War solution (bomb America) and the Greens newly-launched national “HUG, Rather Than STRANGLE A Muslim” campaign. “It’s all THIS SHIT which gives me pause for thought,” I said, rather patronisingly, instead of voicing the real truth, being of course: “It’s all THIS SHIT which makes me want to attack you both with a hammer.” But I agree that that might have sounded a bit too harsh.
Recognising a lost cause when they saw one – especially after I kept loudly shouting the words “shit, shit, shit” and sticking my two fingers up in their faces -they left quietly and quickly without looking back. Feeling surprisingly much better, resolution still intact, the day finished well.