This is mind-numbing.
It’s high time someone injected some much needed adrenaline into this utterly boring election. And since no one has yet attempted to emulate here in Australia the success of Donald Trump’s exciting “Babes for Trump” campaign, I’ve decided to launch one myself.
Maintaining the usual neutrality in these matters (holding both leaders in equal contempt, as I do), and making up for repeatedly in these columns calling Shorten a complete idiot (or words to that effect), today sees the launch of my exciting “Babes for Bill” membership drive. My campaign team has already started trawling Labor Party headquarters around this great nation of ours, calling on young, virile and sexy, grass-roots female Labor volunteers to step forward and display their bouncy-bits in full support of Bill Shorten’s bid for PM. And volunteering is easy. To become a Shorten babe all that Labor’s common little tarts have to do is pose for the BFB website stark naked. And smile. (That’s it.)
As for female volunteers from among Labor’s sitting members, unfortunately most of them fail to meet the basic babe criteria. by being, as Paul Keating complained in parliament recently, “horribly ugly.” This sad state of affairs, of course, can be put down to the left’s ruthless preselection process which now mandates that all hetero candidates follow Tanya Plibershit’s example and look joyless, Stalinist and sexless. But there are a few exceptions: those who are openly gay are also as hot as hell.
To my dismay, I found a handful of them (Penny Wong, Louise Pratt, Sophie Ismail, etc) surprisingly reluctant to join in the fun, citing a range of pathetic excuses such as “This is the 21st Century, you know, you sexist creep,” or (more commonly) “Not for that back-stabbing idiot, I won’t.” And a rather odd response from Sophie, saying she’d have to wear a hijab, but everything else would be just fine. Despite these setbacks, I’m still looking forward to getting more promising responses from Labor’s rank and file.
On the other side of things, if the BFB volunteer drive fails to get off the ground, there’s always the Libs to try. Watching his crappy performance on Friday it’s obvious Turnbull’s image needs considerably more sexing up, if (dropping my impartiality for the moment) we are to keep that little fucker Shorten out.
Ringing around a few old political acquaintances of mind to get their thoughts, has been rewarding. Kevin Rudd’s otherwise brilliant “Tits for Turnbull” idea is sadly passé, I feel, but his alternative “Manus Island LGQBIT Babes for Turnbull” has a certain ring to it, raises awareness and would be ideologically sound enough. On second thought, though, with that kind of demographic there’s no guarantee of seeing much in the way of ample cleavage bouncing around – so what’s the point?
Cory Bernardi’s suggestion, “Commie Chicks for that Commie Turnbull Prick,” I’ve naturally dismissed out of hand, however nice it sounds to the ear, and however appropriate it might be. The worry with this one is that you then run the risk of ideologues like that hot, sex-starved ABC commie, Leigh Sales, wanting to sign up too. It was the visibly excited Sales, clearly on heat at the time, if you remember, who offered to personally blow Turnbull off-camera during that famously fawning interview she had with him on the ABC last year, only to be refused, (much to the live studio audience’s disappointment) after Turnbull pointed out that his wife was also present there, in the audience. (Otherwise, it might have been okay, I guess.) Even when Sales enthusiastically offered to dim the studio lights, Turnbull was adamant. At least, that is what I’m told. Allegedly.
Looking further afield, if his Gold Logie award is making Waleed Aly seriously think about running for election in the near future, “Waleed’s Caliphate Chicks” is kinda catchy, don’t you think? Possible recruits, the drop-dead gorgeous Mariam Veiszadeh from that ridiculous ‘Islamophobia Register’ of hers, the little cutie, Sarah Saleh, and that hot and kinda kinky author, Randa Abdel-Fattah, come to mind.
Checking with Waleed, he says there’s not much in the way of body parts that are allowed to be seen moving around on any part of any female in public at any time, one of the exceptions being when their crazed eyeballs jump in and out of their sockets while reading a post like this. So more research needs to be done.