UN Secretary General Kewin Wudd
(An artist’s impression)
I can’t make up my mind about Rudd’s bid for the UN Secretary General post. Of course his credentials perfectly match the job description (published on their website), so I can’t quibble about that: “Fatuous and totally useless idiot needed to be appointed as sock-puppet to a an equally fatuous, multi-billion dollar, international scam operation. Essential: Proven track-record of fatuous uselessness. Highly regarded: Proven ability to bamboozle millions of people into believing you are actually achieving something, while positively raking it in by the bucket load. Definite Asset: Able to kow-tow and grovel in fluent Mandarin with consummate ease. Pay: Big Mega-bucks, naturally. Perks: Why not enjoy mixing it with other high-flying swindlers, like the Blairs and Clintons?”
But there is a shadow of doubt cast over all of this.
Allegations* that Rudd has long been a deep-penetration Chinese mole, though never substantiated, still linger. As UN. Sec. Gen., the Chinese would be jumping for joy if their pride and joy were to be suddenly propelled to an unprecedented level of political power and influence, just when their imperial quest to expand Heaven’s Mandate across the Pacific to include Bondi Beach is in full swing.
A cooperative Rudd’s leverage would be unprecedented. But threatening to spill the beans about his treachery otherwise, the sex-starved and shameless Rudd would be bound to demand more money. And bound to demand double the after-hours ‘special services’ he’s already rumoured** to be getting, courtesy of Beijing’s elite “Heavenly Army of Sexy Transgender Assassins.”*** If that were to happen, the ruthless Chinese – their economy already shrunk to record levels – would probably rather pull the plug and ruthlessly do the little fucker in. And rightly so. Hillary’s palms have already been greased well enough for them to do without him.
And for this purpose they are well practiced.
I was surprised to read recently that China’s 5,000 years of civilisation has produced something else for The West, other than chop-sticks, fried rice and an uncanny enthusiasm for exporting utter trash to the world. No, not the fork, but, exotic and very painful poisons. And if they ever were at a loss as to the most excruciating for the purpose, Putin’s advice and expertise is only a phone call away. (As is that of Gillard’s, for that matter.)
Worryingly, though, without Rudd in the race for Sec. Gen. the world faces an even graver danger: five years of Helen Clark. Apparently a very capable person, Clark, tragically born in New Zealand, has unfortunately inherited that awful speech impediment of theirs, making her unbearable to listen to, let alone comprehend, at the best of times. Furthermore, as has been politely pointed out to her on a number of occasions by visiting Australian Rugby teams, she is also extremely ugly.
Of course we’ve had to put up with Ban Ki-Moon for the passed 5 years, and in that time I don’t think anyone – not even Koreans – have actually understood anything that he’s said, much less paid attention to it. But for some people, at least according to Race Discriminator and part-time queen, “Uncle” Tim Soutphommasane, who is an expert in these matters, Ban apparently is “definitely totally cute.” But being unfashionably hetero, I can’t see it myself.
* Raised by me
** Invented by me
***A Note about the Heavenly Army of Sexy Transgender Assassins
First documented over 2,500 years ago in Sun Tzu’s “Art of War,” the Emperor’s private army’s full designation was the “Secret Midnight Heavenly Trannie Assassins Who Throttle Enemy (sic) Using Victims’ Scrotums or Labia Majoras, Depend (sic) on Gender, In A Very Sexy Way. Then, Melt Into Darkness.” The English translation has been necessarily truncated and translated above using a more inclusive title, as advised by that highly respected dickhead and Australian of The Year, David Morrison. This is out of sensitivity, he tells me, to any of my readers who happen to have neither a scrotum nor a labia majoria.
*** Historical Note
Nowadays, the Heavenly Army of Sexy Trannie Assassins has been been relegated to a more ceremonial role. Privately, most of its funding comes from their exotic courtesan services available to diplomats and other sex tourists as suggested to Zhou Enlai by Margaret Whitlam, during their landmark tour to open up China in 1971.