Very excited that today I will be attending my very first Cultural Awareness training session. Modelled on the highly-successful Vietnamese re-education camps set up after the fall of Saigon in 1975 (where they sent capitalist running-dogs off to discover why it was not a good thing to be a capitalist running dog after all – or else) it’s almost as if the entire idea was tailor-made for the current Australian multicultural dictatorship. An ideal template with which to help “guide” ignorant Australians along the path of enlightened, progressive thinking.
Because little has changed.
Except, that the “re-education” euphemism has been re-badged with another euphemism, “Cultural Awareness Training,” in the hope that people fail to notice that it’s pretty much the same thing. And as a concession to Labor’s Right, attendees who fail the course can now opt for bankruptcy and gaol-time (courtesy of Section 18C) instead of the single bullet in the back of the head long favoured by Lee Rhiannon, “like in the good old days.” Nevertheless, the idea is the same and they can’t pretend otherwise.
It wasn’t long after I arrive that I notice the the diverse make-up of our class: people from all political persuasions, sex, race, colour, religion (but no Muslims), rich man, poor man. It seemed as though a specific cross-section of 49% of the entire population of Australia had been “invited” to attend, apparently after participating in some survey or other. In my case I was “invited” by one of Tim Soutphommasane’s Thought Police after being spotted violently throwing-up again during Gillian Triggs’ last press conference.
Ushered into our seats, we are greeted with the usual gopping tea and bikkies then treated to a sound and light spectacular. Giant screens display videos of smiling women in blood-stained hijabs brandishing their Kalashnikovs, ululating and screaming “G’day!” to us all the way from Lakemba, Christian bakers being force-fed same-sex wedding cakes, David Morrison in drag again and, a first, a video of a rare family of endangered LGBTQIA orangutans trained to Skype us from Brunei. The usual multi-culti stuff that we’ve got used to nowadays. Nothing freakish at all.
In between each image, the words “Diversity – Good”, “Tolerance – Good” and “Hanson – F*CK her!” are flashed out at us subliminally, so we won’t ever forget. On the walls opposite each other, enormous portraits of Uncle Tim Soutphommasane and Kim Jong-un gaze admiringly across at each other, though it’s hard to distinguish the one from the other.
Smiling diversity consultants divide us up into small groups and issue us each with a short quiz designed to start us off down the road of “correct thinking.”
The first question was a little tricky and we all had trouble getting it right:
Question 1. Booing Adam Goodes on the field is okay, because
A. I am a racist
B. I’m a racist and a bigot
C. There’s no room in Australia for racists and bigots like me, so I should eat shit and die
D. It’s patently obvious that he’s just a big dickhead
Everyone initially ticked ‘D’, even Noel Pearson. After 10 more failed attempts at getting us to come up with the right answer, they move us on to the next question.
Question 2. No-one should be allowed to vote against same-sex marriage, at all.
B. Not sure
C. Absolutely true, because none other than the Shadow Assistant Minister for Equality Terri Butler (who, in the old days, you would have instantaneously thought to be an absolute babe – and a disarmingly sweet, intelligent, articulate, agreeable and highly-mountable one at that – before you realised that she was nothing more than a silken-tongued, venomous, Stalinistic anti-democratic banshee devil-woman in the pay of Satan who probably devours her mates after sex (although you have no proof of that) and publicly denounced her without risk of going to gaol, but those days are gone, unfortunately, so you don’t) says so.
Q3. Winston Smith was right: 2 + 2 = 5, and Islam IS a religion of peace.
B. False, because I am an ignorant, filthy racist and a bigot
C. Don’t you mean Winston “Churchill”? But Churchill said that it actually sucked, didn’t he???
Q4. Pauline Hanson’s glorious second coming is an unmitigated disaster for this country.
A. True, because our crypto-commie elites say so, and that’s that.
B. True, because our crypto-commie elites say so, and that’s that.
C. True, because our crypto-commie elites say so, and that’s that.
D. (Repeat all of the above)