Gina Rinehart
“I’m free!”

As South Australia’s energy crisis deepens and another sweltering weekend approaches, my idea of a nation-wide ‘Donate An Ice-Cube To A Needy Aussie’ door-knock appeal continues to be an overwhelming success. Generous Australians from all over the country have been donating them by the bucket load.  It only remains to be seen if Australia Post’s obscenely over-paid head honcho, the multi-millionaire and (allegedly) reformed jihadist Ahmed Fahour, makes good on his promise and arranges for specially modified vans to courier the cubes to sweat-soaked households all over the state. (Yes, fat chance, I know, but these days it’s virtue-signalling, not action, that counts.)

Cori Bernardi’s idea for a competition to help the long-suffering SA locals keep cool was truly inspired. Why not have his arch nemesis Sarah Hanson-Young strung up on one of those useless wind turbines of hers and then have the vengeful public spit at her as she slowly rotates (if at all). Each time this silly woman is adjudged to have been squarely hit, Bernardi pledges to dig deep into his coffers and donate a tray of ice-cubes to the lucky winner. (If her hysterical blubbering becomes too incessant, as is likely, there’s always going to be a few rocks handy to keep her quiet.)

Energy or no energy, many Greens in Adelaide refuse point blank to purchase any air-conditioner out of ideological purity. State Premier Jay Weatherill recommends that those faithful to his 2025 50% Renewable Energy Target idiocy defer to 50,000 odd years of indigenous wisdom this weekend and simply use the handy waters off Glenelg beach to cool off. What a great idea! Yay!

And then Weatherill was reminded that the packs of white pointers waiting silently (like German WWII U-Boats) just off the beaches at this time of year might dampen the Green nincompoops’ zero-carbon emission zeal, and hesitate. Bernardi to the rescue once again. Always thinking outside of the box, Bernardi suggests deploying one of his newly-formed Australian Conservatives’ private militias to help persuade waverers. Funded and led by billionairess Gina Rinehart, the idea would be for her to round up then frog-march the entire 50% RET dickhead faithful into the surf and, at the first sight of any dorsal fins, mercilessly beat any panicky recanters back into the water. That should do the trick, Bernardi adds.

Surprisingly, that hapless Weatherill idiot is still mulling it over. My guess is that, for this deep-green ideologue, half his populace being depleted through heat exhaustion or by marauding sharks as a way of lowering demand and meeting his government’s deranged energy targets have equal merit, and so both deserve careful consideration.

Whatever, it should be a fun weekend.