Lauren Rosewarne (centre) and other queer people

Dear Diary,

Today I asked myself, “What good can I do in the world if I look like a small hippo?”
So many people I see on the telly, who look like me have gone ahead and done something constructive in their lives despite being ‘large‘. How can I get over my full-sized, dyke-like figure and earn great wads of cash at the same time?

I mean, in Australia, there are people like Marise Paine, Kim Beazley and Amanda Vanstone, all of whom at different times ignored having a tub of lard for an ass to make it to the top. Then there is Gina Rinehart and the always-merry Clive ‘Godzilla-Gut’ Palmer who have hauled ass (big-time) all over the country so as to give a lot of people work and earn billions for the country. Not to mention the bubbly Rebel Wilson (she always makes me giggle) and that really funny Melissa McCarthy in the US, and the hilarious Roseanne Barr and John ‘Jumbo-Bum’ Goodman … So many successful fatties, how can I be like them?

Sucks to be me.
Lauren
P.S. But, diary, I don’t want to have to try to lose weight or start wearing a stupid burka. It HAS to be easy.

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Dear Diary,

Today I’ve discovered the answer!!!
And it was from Gillian Triggs herself. She tells me to just get any old stupid degree in some sort of pseudo-social science scam, then apply for a job at the University of Melbourne where they employ thousands of other similarly useless people with similarly useless qualifications. There, they would be happy to pay me a six-figure salary just to sit around on my fat arse all day devising new ways to make everyone else in Australia miserable, like Gillian once did in HR.
That should do it!

Lauren

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Dear Diary,

Exciting news!
I just got a call from Gillian again who gave me a great idea for my PHD thesis.
I could  just cobble together some wacko, post-modernist theories to justify a fat dyke completely ruining the lives and income of hundreds of pretty women at Formula One and Darts events across Australia. You know who I mean, diary: the ones who dare enjoy themselves by walking about wiggling their pretty little, non-lard-like asses all day entertaining mostly male, heterosexual white-bastards.
Now there’s an idea!

If successful, she says, I’ll double my salary. But only if I keep someone she mysteriously refers to as ‘that faerie’ in the Race Commissioners Office happy by making sure no minorities lose their jobs in the process.
Terrific!

Thanks diary! Thanks Gillian!
Lauren

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