Jacinta Allan

It’s hard to know what to make of the Victorian government sometimes. On any given day its actions resemble those of either a quasi-Stalinist state, a criminal enterprise, a sexual-deviant’s paradise or a lunatic asylum. Some days, like the seasons, all four of them.

Occasionally, they seem to act on a whim, which might well have been the case with Jacinta Allan’s Sky News ban at Melbourne train stations and her subsequent lame attempts to justify it to some Sky chick with triple the I.Q. (Laura Jayes).

Did Allan, on a whim, suddenly see this as an ideal opportunity to draw national attention to herself? Had she long realised (having proved completely useless in so many respects) that there were too few options open for a boot-faced Labor apparatchik like her to be noticed, and that she should seize this one opportunity while she could?

For instance, trying to sex herself up would have failed miserably. For example, though it might have got a lot of mileage for a hot chick like Emma Husar, performing lewd Basic Instinct moves for the benefit of Parliament was never going to work for Allan, given that she is so remarkably ugly in the first place.

Nor would she gain much sex-appeal traction from wantonly shagging everyone in Parliament (while deploying the old ‘all men are rapists’ ploy to deflect attention) because this has already been fully tried and tested by The Greens. (Shagalot’s patent still pending, according to Hansard). Besides, it would only make Allan end up in court having to pretend that she is not a common slut after all.

No, according to my learned, classically-educated lawyer: all this (above) is utta crappa*. Banning Sky News was not done on a whim by an ugly, attention-seeking, hair-brained idiot with no evident sex-appeal. It was, in fact, the deliberate cynical act of a hapless, quasi-Stalinist government, desperate to shut down the free-press in the lead up to the November elections.
And it cannot have been otherwise.

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*Latin for ‘complete rubbish’