Nick “Hurrah-For-Huawei!” Xenophon

3rd December
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JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT SAFE to return to Australia again, Nick Xenophon appears on national TV announcing he will be spear-heading the Chinese take-over of Australia. The sight of that grinning, despicable mug fills up all the screens at Mascot, like Big Brother, causing people in the arrival lounges to run about, shrieking hysterically and spontaneously throwing-up everywhere. The imminent threat of Australia suddenly becoming cheap fodder for Beijing’s organ-harvesting program because of this shameless swindler is too much to bear.

Perhaps I should consider making my escape now? Return to the departure lounge and book a flight to some God-forsaken shit-hole where they’ve never heard of this narcissistic, self-serving prick or his communist front-group Huawei? Or back to Manila, where President Duterte has kindly invited me to oversee his daily execution of Westpac paedophiles? Maybe it’s better to just hang around, hoping to witness one of Xenephon’s self-aggrandizing political scams fail yet again.

But this one is quite different, quite unlike other Beijing ‘Get-rich-quick-while-you-sell-out-your-country’ schemes, bought into by other collaborators, such as Keating, Carr, Rudd and Dastyari. For, staffed by ex-PLA members and riddled with communist cells, Huawei aims for total control. And Xenophon is intending to get filthy rich with China’s money by arguing, as a lawyer, Beijing’s case: that it is “unfair” that Huawei’s 5G network should be prevented from operation in Australia just because it wants to surreptitiously transform us into a bunch of Sino-compliant zombies.

Why this is not treason and why we shouldn’t take a leaf out of President Duterte’s book and introduce extra-judicial killing to deal with it, or look to Shakespeare’s Henry VI for advice (“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”) is probably best answered by the fact that I’d go to gaol if I advocated either, so I won’t.

Meantime, it’s probably best if we take the Chinese Ambassador’s advice and start learning Mandarin, just in case.